| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2005|11:16 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | see the sun again on repeat. Dido | ] |
this would be one of those moments where i'd go sit with Bandit and he'd come lay his head in my lap.
Inever was there for him. I didn't even say goodbye.
I AM a horrible person. And everyone is out to prove it. Bring it on. it's not a surprise anymore.
I want my puppy |
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| damn dreams....Possible Trigger maybe. |
[Feb. 5th, 2005|09:19 pm] |
i had the craziest dream...
I was leavingt for work only instead of being in my car i was on a bike with a backpack. Waving goodbye to mum from the street in the dark...then i was pedalling all fast and trying to situate tori (the little teddy i posted some pics of who is very spesh) So i was stearing with one hand and holding her with other. Then i crossed to the normal side of the street, because i was riding on the oposite. So i was speeding down as fast as i could and i heard a rustle in a bush near the road. I was just out of sightline for mum too. Then something grabbed me from behind and pulled me off the bike. And in the dream i saw from two perspectives...i watche the whole scene and then i saw what i would have seen...the bike toppling, my hand letting go of tori...I could see my mouth open soundlessly but i have no idea what it was i was trying to scream or say or whatever.
wierder still when i woke up i still had that feeling like something physically reached in, grabbed me from behind and pulled me out of sleep slowly. I've never woken up feeling it just the same. Almost like my sweatshirt was falling back on my skin after being pulled in the same way someone would if they were dragging you around by it. Can you visualise that? But it was weird. I could almost see a hand when i woke up...mind you it was in my head i'm sure but i could still describe it. And it's lingering on my back until i was awake and moved then it poofed away. But then i couldn't go back to sleep at all. It was a semi trance state kind of if you could imagine. I was awake but not. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 18th, 2004|01:18 am] |
Stand before you
open a vein
i can feel you leaving
feel you breathing passed
if you have to go
i can't keep you here,
but i shan't be far behind
i'm running
i'm running
i'm running
to clear
____________________ |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 16th, 2004|12:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  guilty | ] |
words that tumble out are jumble. You forgot to make sense again. The silence that follows crumbles you. there are only so many mistakes you can make, only so many i'm sorry's everyone can take. You've exceeded the legal limit and it's time to let yourself go. Wave goodbye, and say hello to loney. Say hello to what some would call dead. Learn to keep your mouth shut and you might earn love. Speak and you're intrigue is broken.
Shut up fragile |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 12th, 2004|06:54 pm] |
child it's broke and i feel you you slipping away.
Child you spoke, and the world fell silent again.
do you love, do you need love?
What is it just beyond the surface...falling through cracks...are you falling back? Back to where you started with your fingers crossed. (you hope it'll be different this time) now they've written you letters and signed cards with love, they didn't mean it. Conflict of the words a middle that never matched it's end. Broken girl...to few feathers to fly, another stop gap in her reality before she lets go of time. well isn't this the way it's supposed to be. 23 used to seem so far away, but you can count the months til then on your fingers now. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Deadline and the train's not coming this time.
Feel the days merge to a blurr be it your creation or reality. They keep telling me i'll be fine. I know they'll lying. There's no such thing as fine in my world.
I've been playing fine for ages now. There never was an easy way to say goodbye. Dancing across the premature starting line. you're losing ground girl...but they still think you fine. Master of disguise or another mask for another day. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 29th, 2004|11:38 pm] |
You had words and now,
you've forgotten how to say them
sleep burns in your bloodshot eyes
72 hours your still alive
(or are you)
everything is silent except the hum of the computer and the tapping of your fingers on the keyboard. If you listen hard enough you think you might just hear the slow and even breathing of the others in the house. You've watched your fingers turn blue with cold. They grow stiff. I wonder if this is what death feels like? You've got your pills lined up on the counter. You could if you wanted...but do you. Sleep pulls you down but not far enough to warrent crawling into bed. You want to go...but another night of wakefulness would break you.
what will tomorrow bring? There's nothing left for this girl. I feel like drowning...suffocating under the weight of pending disaster. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 22nd, 2004|03:10 pm] |
Eh i was really going to vent worthwhile things. I sit here and find that i've nothing to say, or at least it doesn't want to appear on the page. I'm being incredibly worthless. Ugly days are never fun...ok every day is a fucking ugly day but the real more than usual ugly days suck.
I just feel gross disgusting vile creature. I can't even explain that at the moment. I smelled something out of the blue that reminded me...One of those moments where you feel like some grabbed you and jerked you back in time to some ungodly place you never wanted to see again...or feel again.
Welcome to my world. Just appear normal just appear fine...
Don't let on how disgusting you really are. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2004|08:31 pm] |
worthless
useless
failure.
why do people have to post pics of certain things i do NOT need to see at the moment. Pity me for being weak. But god damn it's an obvious trigger picture...there are cut tags for a reason bloody fucking hell use them for god sakes. it's there every time i open my friends page. it calls me like moth to flame.
Senseless child
need to walk away.
if i had strength i'd give up the blade but i'd find far more ways of self destructing...far more ways to run away.
I want to be gone
i've no explanation why
i only create problems
i only create pain
just fuck off fragile fuck off. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 3rd, 2004|07:00 pm] |
I need, crave something...
I don't know what though
but a black hole is rapidly swallowing me
i had it stalled for awhile
but now...now what?
How do you ask for something so desperately needed when you don't know what it is? I feel like screaming. I'm tired of my tears. I want to fly into and unquieted rage...there is no satisfying this soul. you can run but it always finds you in the end. I ought to learn that by now. I should know. But you never learn. YOU ARE NOTHING...always remember that one. |
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| maybe i'm just a bit crazy? |
[Feb. 24th, 2004|12:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Celine purring in my lap and making it hard to type | ] |
Oh you think so do you? Just a bit? I think you're underestimating the power of your insanity.
sleepless or at best an interrupted night...maybe i just went to bed too early.
flashes of things that could have been dreams or something of the sort, but nothing long enough to come to a resolution.
-i saw a smoldering light socket sparking in my room back home, little tendrils of smoke drifting undetected torward the ceiling. I pointed it out to mum in my dream and the power source was cut just before the spark that would have caused flames.
I woke wondering if they were ok. i've always had a fear of fire and faulty wiring even before i knew exactly what faulty wiring was.
-I heard the wind calling my name. Though i wasn't asleep then. I was awake listening to the wind and rain. I thought it was just in my head...but no, i heard it again. I even thought, for a moment, of answering but decided that i would really have to take a step off the loony bridge for certain then.
-I dreamed myself running down a street that seemed to go nowhere...just further into darkness
-I dreamed of being back at the Sportsplex working...all of them with the 'I told you so look' I'd never felt so miserable there. And for once whatever i did was wrong. I wasn't the good employee that the bosses took pride in. No matter how hard i worked i was never good enough.
-I woke up to the sound of something falling in my room. Racked my brain trying to figure out what it was. It gave me a good and proper fright. Mental rundown...no Celine isn't sleeping in here...No I let Buzz out before i turned out the light...No door still shut. hmm. Eh fuck stop looking at the window you'll imagine yourself crazy again. *duck under covers and hide* Lay awake still wondering what fell and what caused it...until morning.
I watched the sun creep in through my window minute by minute. |
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